untitled

It’s funny…because I have to be reminded to think about you. I think the human body naturally detaches itself from something when that something causes pain. Even if you love said “something”… I’m starting to rediscover all of these things that I absolute love to do, but forgot because I couldn’t do them. Today I am completely drug-free. I don’t overindulge in many things..mostly food, if anything. My body is taken care of. My clothes are all clean. It’s really quite hard to look back and remember how rough I was living and the horrible things I was doing to my body. I love you for making me realize how horrible I was. thanks.

Today is good. I finally have someone who cares about and respects me as much as I do them. I don’t quite know how to word anything at the moment because things have changed so rapidly and suddenly that everything is completely upside down. In a good way. I met a sweet girl, and we’re moving in together on the 15th. Is this really happening? Could this possibly be the start of a new life I wasn’t even sure I wanted. I want it. I want this life more now, I think, than I ever have in my existence on Earth. Today…….I remembered how much I truly love myself…or at least how much I need to love myself. Sometimes we, as humans, only need worry about our own problems and lives because if you’re anything like me, you brood on the problems of the people you care about until you forget about your own and you’re left completely alone. Excuse run-ons and grammatical errors at this time please. I’m just a happy camper..and if you’re not along for the ride then fuck you.

When starting over, one could have feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I don’t know how or when things started to change, but they have. Over the past 3 years I’ve become the person that I am today due to one key individual. I love you. I know that we will see each other on the street or at some fancy New Year’s party in New York one day and all either of us will be able to do is smile. I want the best things for you. I’m just not one of those things. I’ve been living in this almost imaginary world for so long that reality feels like a dream now. Such a happiness has felt so foreign and unattainable to me for ages now, and I blame only myself for holding both of us back..I really do. To new beginnings, anyone?

Well…I did it. I blocked you. I think I’m closer to being free.

The thing is…maybe I really do hate you after all. Don’t get me wrong; I love you more than any person in this world….but I hate you. I hate how no matter what either of us are going through it always comes down to your personal happiness. I think something is wrong with you…and I think that you are still very much a child inside that complex head of yours. I wish that I could somehow help you, not that you are someone who needs help. Let’s face it though, we all  need some kind of help. I think you have a problem, though. To be quite honest, you’re a phony and a fake, and I don’t know if half the things you tell me are really true or if you say them because you’re scared to lose the only person you still have on your side. Please open your eyes. I’m an okay person. I deserve more.